Dear Loki,
Hey Bub, I suppose you and I miss out on chat time huh? I’m always busy at work but you know i think about so much throughout the day. Even more when people ask about your name on my arm. My little daily reminder of you! Every day has been a little crazy at work, one day it’s great and the next all you do is wrong. It’s life, nothing is promised anymore.
I think it’s a little interesting that one of the higher up’s knew who you were and not by Marvel. You get different responses whenever your name is mentioned. Some good, some bad and mostly uneducated but that’s ok, just gives me a chance to talk to them about you beyond Marvel and some misconceptions. I often feel like some salesman for you, always pitching you when people ask and always giving advice when asked on what life is like with you. I don’t mind, it’s an enjoyable experience to say the least.
Thank you and Freyja for looking out for Donut. You know how much my cats mean to me and even more how much Donut means to me. If I lost Donut or had to put her down, I would be utterly devastated and heart broken. Also a long overdue thanks to Thor for making me feel save that night I walked home in the dark, your presence was strengthening and kept me feeling courage to make that little trek.
I wish I could buckle down more when it comes to our relationship and by that I mean more focused when it comes to prayer and basically just chatting with you more often. Leaving more offerings for you as well! Alas, it is that pumpkin time of the year and you always seem to wrangle sweets from me more than often, so keep an eye out for anything you’d like to have!
All that little bit aside:
I don’t think I tell you I love you as often as I should. I really and truly do. We have our tangles, I get mad at you, I vanish for a while, we make up, we disagree but you have always been the one thing that has made sense to me in my life ever since I found out you were apart of it. There are mysteries about you I may never have answers to, not sure if I even really want the answers. Why you keep me with you is a mystery all in it’s own. There are others I know who keep up with you a million times better than I do and I wish that I could, you know that. I think I mistake having pretty things set out for you as love versus what it really means between you and I. Complete and utter understanding and patience for our stubbornness and our failures as we walk through this journey together. Lately, I have been learning that I need to listen to myself more often than believing that I can fix every situation or rather every person I meet. I need to fix myself first, learn to love myself more and to appreciate my strengths and weaknesses.
Most of all, I need to learn to really trust in you more than I actually do. I know that hurts you, the feeling of me not trusting you and believing in what you do. I have been through so much painful relationships and events in my life that I always put walls up around me and get pissed off when people point out that I am putting up walls to defend my emotional being. How can I learn to trust you and the other Gods if I put my walls up? I doubt myself and what you show me so much that it kills what we have, I am so sorry for doing that. Thank you for being patient Loki, really.
This path with you was half chosen by me and half chosen by you. I spent many years without spiritual contact because I never knew you were there with me, just waiting for that light bulb to go off in my head. I have to meet you half way. It hasn’t been easy for me, you have turned my life upside down, had me put through painful situations let myself get hurt so that I can learn from my mistakes, even when it seems like I have to go and make the same one over and over again. I’m still learning and you have so much to teach. I need to let go of my fears and open up to you more, one day at a time. Stop beating myself up, stop doubting myself and trust in you more. Relationships only work when both ends are met, I need to start meeting you in the middle.
It often feels like you work through me when I speak to others about you, giving advice, answering questions and giving ideas. I just need to listen to myself more instead of being a teacher and never the student.
Speaking truthfully, I never quite grasped what it means to be discriminated about faith till I was open about you in my life and my honor of you and love for you. I thought being openly Pagan was the worst of it, I was wrong. There are people out there Loki that place blame on you, don’t understand you and don’t want to. I’m not sure if they fear change, much needed chaos or they read too many science fiction novels…still. You get with a lot. I don’t even go to the local Pagan meet-up anymore because of how I was treated last time because of my openness about you. Treated like I was second class, as if I needed special permission just to be there. It hurt like Hel. I was attacked at work as well, you know that. It’s not hard to understand at all why I see people walk away from you, can you blame them? I don’t think you hold it against them. Not everyone can handle being treated unfairly and differently because of a personal choice they have made, people should not have to hide their spiritual life because a few idiots believe everything they read.
Granted, you are not the most sunshine-lollipops and rainbows kind of Deity. You are blunt and rough yet gentle and loving, wild and full of fire yet soft and caring. You have said things to me that hurt at the moment but you have always been right. Always. You have told me what I wanted to hear so that I could fail and learn, you have stood by my side and made jokes and you have sat with me at night to ease me into sleep. Thank you for being who you are.
I do trust you Loki and I love you more than words will ever come close to.
Thank you for never giving up on me. You are my best friend, my rock and my hero.
I love you,
Sami.
lokean-spice 